[ADVICE] Would you live separately from your husband for an extended period of time?

What I find crazy is that there's no work available! What kind of IT is he doing? I think before you look into him moving away for work, look online (seek, careerone, etc) and see what jobs are available or get in touch with local recruitment agencies. DF works in IT and he has never struggled to find a job - on more than one occasion he's quit and within 24 hours has had a new job lined up! Slightly different situation as we live in Adelaide (apparently a lot of companies are moving their IT departments here as everything is cheaper), and obviously depending on the area of IT things could be different, but it still seems very strange to me that there is no work.

Back to your question, personally I wouldn't live away from DF but that's cause we did it last year and we didn't cope. I moved back to Sydney for a job and to help look after my Mum who was in hospital and originally the plan was to stay for 12 months. We saw each other every second weekend and skyped every night but we were both so miserable the whole time. I literally was only every happy every second weekend, and he was very much the same. So it only lasted 6 months.

That said, I have a friend who moved interstate for a job for 18 months and only saw her fiance once every 3 months and they were fine with it. I think it depends on the couple. In the end, you need to do what is right for all of you. While living apart may be hard for awhile, in the long term it might be the best thing for your family.

I couldn't. Apart from DP and I not being able to spend that much time apart, I couldn't do it to the kids.. They would miss their dad like crazy and that's not fair on them...

I would do it only if there was absolutely no alternative, and it was literally the difference between my children eating or not. Otherwise, no way.

My DH had to go overseas for work last year. He was gone for 7 weeks and it was horrible for all of us. He skyped us every day and while the girls adjusted and coped quite well, it was only because I packed their days full of activities and we had a chart counting down to when Daddy would be home again. We both swore that we would never be separated like that again.

I agree with Rivlas - look into transferring your DS's therapies to somewhere that your DH can work. Even if there are waiting lists, you may be able to limit the amount of time that your DH is separated from you and the kids. Alternatively, as a PP said, can your DH postpone his career path until you can either get your son into a programme where there would be work, or until he starts school.

I also agree with Teirae. You've both been through the unimaginable with your darling girl and I can only guess that you will both need each other enormously for support when you bring your beautiful baby home.

Nope I wouldn't.

DH went away for a week a few weeks ago and I missed him so much and had a few meltdowns.


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Firstly I would chat to everyone involved in ds care. See if there is a way the can get him through the system fast, perhaps you could make a trip down south and meet a couple of therapists and see what you think. Another factor is how ds would cope with the move, I'd imagine a lot of preparation would be needed to have him ready enough. All of that can be discussed with those who treat him and maybe work out some kind of action plan.

I would live without dh for a period of time while these things could be worked out. When it's as important as ds health, I would do it until I could be sure that all was in place, be that 6 months, a year, 2 years. I do think it's important that you have regular visits with dh though, so you need to work out if financially it will be worth it etc. you may find its better for him to get a job in a different field until you're ready to move.

So in short, yes I would live without dh but I'd need a plan that would mean we would be all together as soon as possible.


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DH moved interstate for four months when I was pregnant-due-had ds. It was very hard at the time and took about 10months to get back 'together' after both of us having to become so self reliant and focused for so long. We all suffered and I don't think we would choose to do that again

However if one of the kids health depended on it, I'm not sure.

Also would be very hard for you to lose all your support.

I guess my first plan would be to see if I can find wait list times in areas DH would be looking at and then seeing if DH has made any contacts thru his study that might lead to a job in your current area.

Hugs


Iooookopllkd

Really tough decision. Only you can work out what's right for your family. Although I think the majority of opinions here seem to be people saying they couldn't or wouldn't do it there are definitely people who can and do make it successful. You just need to make sure you're happy the benefits outweigh the down sides.

My DH and I work in jobs where we have very little control over where we work from 6 months to 6 months. Over the last 8+years we've probably averaged between 3-6 months apart each year, but thankfully rarely more than 3 hours away. We both knew that was what was best for our careers and agreed to make it work before hand. That said, since we're expecting our first child we're reevaluating how much of that separation we're prepared to accept in future and are likely to change our standards if that makes sense.

If you do decide to live apart maybe consider having a 3 month trial and then reassessing things. It does take time to adjust so don't make decisions about whether it's workable or not too hastily.

DH wouldn't allow for it. He couldn't cope. I know I couldn't cope but he would probably be annoyed if I even suggested it. (that's our experience...however...)

You need to look at money. Is it worth paying for two residences, all the travel you will need to do to and fro.

Personally I don't know what sort of IT degree you are talking about but I would be more inclined to look at national or international positions that are work from home. In IT atm a lot more companies are opening up to this. Less money is spent on bricks and mortar and often the quality of work is better at home than in an office. He can start looking now. Start applying for jobs and see what happens. I would also consider areas before you decide on a job. Decide definitely on an area. Then put your names down for a few different OT's explain your situation that you are moving into the area (don't go into the fact you have your name down at different places obviously).

I know the waiting time is a little while, but if it meant that much to our family for DH to have a job I'd move. I'd keep in contact with the OT I already have get as much information as I can to be able to continue OT at home and go from there.

For me personally it wouldn't be worth the money to have two houses and it wouldn't be worth the stress on the family to be seperated. It would have to be a substantial pay increase, or a dire situation for me to do that.

IF you have a good support network where you are, I would stay for the 2 years until DS went to school. How far away would your DH have to move? My DH is in the ADF and I've had to move away from family support and I feel isolated at times. Before I got pregnant I was an Early Intervention, so I know how hard it is to find those services. Also, if your DS is coming so far, it would be a shame to waste it all - same goes for DH's study. At least give it a go and if it's all to hard you can move. In the meantime, I would investigate the services you would need to access if you move and put your name on the waiting list.

If you didn't have a child with special needs or any support network, the decision would be a lot easier, but imagine being in a city where you don't have any support, trying to deal on your own while DH is at work all day. I have a typically developing toddler and a few friends from play group, but being on my own with DS all day does my head in sometimes! If I lost my one day off (daycare on Tuesdays) I don't know what I would do!

I will add I'm in Far North Qld and DH is looking at Adelaide (which I'm not keen on) or Melbourne (which I love). So a few hours flight away, definitely couldn't drive the kids there. DH is going to start looking for work now, sussing out if there is anything up here (there doesn't seem to be anything at the moment but hopefully it changes) before we look further away.

No. My DH has always done Fifo type work, since we first met. We struggle when we are apart. I tend to grow resentful, and on his return i feel like an intruder is messing up my house/routines etc.

I accept that work is important, but your DH hasn't even started looking. He may find something turns up unexpectedly and it might be perfect. He may also be more likely to get offered a job as he has a family and stability, which might be lacking in other applicants. It's great he loves his work. Hopefully that comes through to prospective employers. I do get that it's tough. My sister lives in FNQ and she is an IT consultant. She mostly works in Melbourne, but has no kids, so it's not such an issue.

You will do what is best for you all babe.

If that is your DH moving then that is what happens until Master A is old enough.

I'll probably be in this situation next year, with my OH being away out of the country 2 weeks out of 4 for the next 5 years. While we have no kids it won't be that bad, once we do, then it could be interesting. I may contemplating moving closer to family & the nature of my OH's job is that we can live anywhere in the world.

I just had a quick look on Seek and Careerone out of curiosity (clearly I'm super busy at work :lol: ) and there are IT positions available up that way. It's hard to say if they are suitable, not knowing what area of IT you DH is getting into, but there is stuff out there. The idea of work from home is a great one. Even if a position is based in another city and your DH would have to go in every now and again for meetings, etc, it would be worth looking at if it means he's home most of the time.

Just curious, what is it about Adelaide that you're not keen on? I'll admit I'm somewhat bias ;), but moved here from Sydney and don't regret it for a second. Much prefer the lifestyle here plus it is much cheaper than Sydney (or Melbourne).

I could do it, but I wouldn't do it (again)
FIFO was hard enough, but extended period, nope. Certainly not with 4 kids and a newborn. :hug: I would chat to DSs carers and work out what can be done and then look at the options.
Like L&B said, life is too short.

Miss dee DH is doing a diploma of networking. This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm not keen on the heat. I think the only reason he's even thinking about this is DH wants to move out of Cairns and he knows we have until DS goes off to school to do it or it'll be so much harder.

Thanks for all the feedback guys, so much to think about.

Gees, as I read all these replies I'm feeling a bit callous and dysfunctional...

We live apart, and work is the reason. It works well for us. I stayed put in town so the kids could still do all their stuff and I still had my network and DH works in a very remote community. Admittedly none of my kids have special needs though.
My DH took his job for both promotion purposes, because he loves the work and because the money was too good for us to pass up.
I am very independent after doing this for so long (16months now), and we both know it isn't forever. Where I live this is a very common practice.

I'm with you Kim.

DH and I are head over heels crazy in love. Sometimes I feel ppl think we only work BECAUSE we live apart most of the time. But its not like that at all!! We do struggle and we find it really hard at times, but we are both determined and dedicated to eachother and have to put in that extra little bit to make it work. It's not by choice, if we could have it the other way we would! but this is what we needed to do to get the money we needed to have our baby, we wayed it all up and worked out it was what we needed to do. there was no other way.

In saying that, I can't really see it being an option for us when Spock comes. which does kind of put us in a bind, because of money issues, and we don't know what will happen when I have to return to work, which there is a high chance that will be away from home again =(

I guess it all depends on what you are comfortable with. I have lived apart from DH (about 1.5hrs) & we saw each other every weekend. That was pre-kids. I missed him like crazy and couldn't wait for it to end. It was about 18months in total. I really struggle with the kids. I love them to bits but motherhood hasn't come naturally for me. I have also just lost a big part of my support network. So for me, I know I couldn't do it. If you have a great support network and you believe your relationship will survive and this is the best choice for your kids as well, then it would be the right choice for you. I think I would look for work closer to home first, even if it isn't exactly what he wants, but keep your options open for moving before your DS starts school.